


Hamartia

by obsessivelyintrigued



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Childhood Memories, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Kylo Ren Redemption, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Post-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Relationship Problems, Social Issues, idk how else to describe it sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-21
Updated: 2016-05-21
Packaged: 2018-06-09 19:27:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6920035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/obsessivelyintrigued/pseuds/obsessivelyintrigued
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i><b>Hamartia</b> - a personal error in a protagonist's personality that brings about his tragic downfall. This defect in a hero's personality is also known as a “tragic flaw"</i>
</p><p>Poe looks at him and barely sees the boy he had fallen in love with.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hamartia

**Author's Note:**

  * For [astropixie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/astropixie/gifts).



> **Based on this prompt:**
> 
>  
> 
> _Redeemed Ben Solo has identity issues (possibly many more issues too) and Poe helps him remember things about himself. It really upsets Ben that he used to be able to do technical things like fix a hyperdrive but he's been a blood-soaked warrior for so long that he doesn't remember how. This is hard to navigate. Pre-existing relationship that is very difficult to pick back up._
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> I truly don't think redeemed Ben wouldn't know teachnical stuff at all so I made it work.

_"Sometimes we have to look deep inside ourselves to solve our problems."_

-Patrick Star

 

Poe looks at him and barely sees the boy he had fallen in love with.

The tall, lanky boy with wild, unruly black hair that hides his too big ears. The boy with lips that curl so beautifully when he smiles. The boy with the eyes that glows with delight, excitement and dims when he is sad or disappointed. The eyes that mirrors his emotions. Poe remembers telling him he _'wears his emotions in his eyes'_ not in his _'sleeves'._

Barely sees that boy because that boy has grown into the man before him trying to figure out how to use a hyperdrive attenuator like a child would fumble with a broken toy he is trying his best to fix.

Poe have a clear view of him up in the cockpit of his X-wing and he can see how that boy turned into this man. Still tall but incredibly well built to the point that Poe can see his muscles flex with almost every movement, but at least he doesn't wear too tight shirts. His hair is well-kept, shiny and silky. It looks so soft to the touch.

 _It probably is._ Poe thinks.

But his lips and his eyes, that's what bothers Poe the most. His lips doesn't curl into a smile anymore. Most of the time, it was set into a deep frown or a thin line - a sign that he doesn't want to talk, or doesn't fancy smiling to anyone around them aside from his mother. Sometimes he talks to his uncle Luke or uncle Chewie, or Rey.  But as far as Poe can tell, that's the only reach of his social circle.

Well there is certainly nothing new with that. Poe knows Ben is that one kid who doesn't like mingling with other people a lot. And it seems he hasn't grown from that yet.

His eyes though. His eyes seems sad all the time. They flicker anytime someone would come close to him. At first, Poe got confused with the action especially when it was directed to him. So he took a closer look in hopes that he will understand the other man better if he studies him before he makes an attempt to help.

Ben would walk into the hallways of the Resistance base with his head low, his stare fixed on the floor he's walking on. His shoulders is slumped, like he is trying to make himself look smaller despite his almost gigantic height of 6'3". His hands hidden in his pockets and mouth tightly closed as though he is keeping something from getting out.

When someone walks closer to him, he would visibly go stiff. His footsteps more calculated and his shoulders ready to form a fighting stance. And his eyes would flicker to the person close to him, then to the nearest exit.

Then Poe realizes why.

There are still some in the Resistance who is skeptical about the Sith-apprentice-turned-Jedi-Knight among them. And Ben can probably feel it not just in the Force but also with the obvious fact that certain people wouldn't really look at him, feel frightened around him, or altogether feel disdain for his existence.

Poe couldn't stop himself from cringing then.

So he made an effort, he tells people how the last fight had really gone down. How Ben is the one who took down Snoke and how it nearly cost him his life. Sometimes he would talk about the times he would visit Ben in the medbay back then, looking like the very Dark is being purged out of him. Sweat constantly drips from his skin as he catch his breath, straining his own self using the Force. And then there is the story of his uncle Luke.

But Poe doesn't tell anyone that. He keeps that to himself. One of the purest memory from their childhood.

When a loud metal clanking erupted, Poe sat up straight. He finally noticed how he is alone in the hangar with Ben. The taller man rummaging in the tool box in front of him.

Poe debates to himself whether he should approach him or not. He is sure Ben knows he's there. That has always been the way between them, Ben could feel Poe through the Force and Poe would too -sometimes, despite not being Force-sensitive but growing around one or two made him sensitive enough.

He argues with himself. What the kriffing kriff is he going to say anyway? He can't just go down there and say _"Hey, Ben. Long time no see, I see you're not an asshole anymore who cracks people's head open. What's up?"_

That would totally be undignified and so uncalled for.

Then he recalls the muffled screaming when he passed by the other man's quarters last night on the way to his. He almost made BB-8 override the locked door when he heard the sobbing. And he hates the way he didn't muster enough courage to go right in there and comfort his friend. Or his former friend and former, more like ex-

Ben kicked the tool box away from him. Not too hard, but hard enough that it skidded away from him, making those on the top fall. He bows his head down to stare at his grease-dirtied hands. His shoulders shaking a bit.

Poe bit his lip at the sight, he feels as though a dagger pierced his heart as he continue to stare. It hurts, it physically hurts him to see Ben this way. He wants the old Ben back, or fix this one to maybe at least resemble his old self. So he can feel the belonging he seeks again. Poe desperately wants to help him get to that no matter what happened.

Past is past. And he was Kylo Ren back then. He is Ben Solo now.

And no matter how much it hurts him, he can't help but accept and understand that fact.

Ben Solo, the first love of his life. The only one he kept close to his heart. The love of his life under a blue-green tree. The love of his life who used to wear colorful clothes that makes his pale skin stand out, his dark hair like a crown on his head. The love of his life and the attempts at flying the Millennium Falcon. The love of his life who despises the sand so much he never wanted to step foot on it. The love of his life and the first, careful and tender kiss at the setting sun of Naboo. The love of his life and the first heartbreak that hurts so much Poe thinks he could never breathe again.

The love of his life that returned. Cracked and jagged at the edges. Walking on nimble, wobbly legs and a mind that seems to eat its own with each passing day. The love of his life that is barely keeping it together.

His foot made a soft thump as Poe jumped from the cockpit to the ground. He swallows a lump on his throat before walking closer to Ben, hand running through his hair and tugging at the curls on the back of his neck in nervousness.

When he got close enough, he saw Ben's trembling hands. His shoulders slumping even more as though he would curl to himself anytime soon.

Poe closes his eyes for a moment before picking up the tools and putting them back to the box, shutting it and carrying it with him as he sits cross-legged across from Ben. He put the tool box beside him, slowly moving his hands to cover Ben's, trying to stop the trembling.

The dead silence of the hangar bay feels deafening to Poe as Ben kept his head down, his hands slowly going steady under Poe's. Poe waits for another moment, hoping Ben would look up to him and say something. Anything.

Poe just want to hear his voice again, his normal one. Wants to hear how his voice has changed from the funny, deep, and sometimes squeaky one when they were teens to the man that he is now. Poe wants to hear him speak without the mechanical monotone that grates on his ears. And Poe wants to see his eyes, wants Ben to look at him. He wants Ben to finally stop avoiding him.

But he didn't do any of those. He kept his head down but let Poe hold his hands in his. Closing his eyes, Poe sighed before he pressed his forehead to Ben's hair.

"Ben." Poe whispers. "I'm always here for you."

Poe remembers the last time he said those words. He was twenty-five, Ben at twenty-three. He had kissed Poe as though it was their last time, touched him as though committing into memory the warm, soft skin under his hands and Poe's lips on his own.

Later, he told Poe he loved him. And Poe would say it back, telling him he's always there for him.

And later Poe found out that it was his last chance to say those words.

Poe tightens his grip on his hands. He feels Ben moving so he leans his head back, surprised when Ben locked his gaze on him.

"Poe." Ben said, his voice barely above a whisper.

"Hey, Benny." Poe replied, smile tugging on his lips.

His brows furrow, and Poe outright burst into a grin, Ben always do that when Poe calls him 'Benny'. And Poe have to stop himself from kissing the crease away.

Poe shifts their hands, so that he is holding Ben's fingers with him -like he would when he kisses his knuckles. "How are you feeling?"

"Better." Ben answers, gaze shifting from Poe as it takes a far-away, glazed look. "But not by much."

"Let me help you, Ben." Poe whispers between them, he meant it for be just them. He and Ben, the words only for them to hear.

Ben didn't answer for a while and Poe thinks he didn't hear him until he feels his breathing go deep, his lower lip trembling. He looked away before replying. "What can you do? No one can help me."

That made him stop. What _can_ he do? He's just a person from the past. Someone who remembers a little too much of the boy this man used to be. He's just a person this man used to love and didn't look twice at for the sake of the war.

He's just Poe Dameron, best pilot in the galaxy.

Nothing more, nothing less.

"I'm not worth the help." Ben added, croaking the words out. "Especially not from you."

"I don't even know who I am anymore." Ben continues. "I don't know what to believe. What to do. People are afraid of me, Poe, so why are you here?"

"Because you're Ben Solo." Poe simply answered. He slowly brought his hand up to cup his cheek, thumb caressing his cheekbone. "After everything that happened. You're more than enough."

\--

The following morning, Poe walks to the mess hall with BB-8 excitedly rolling after him.

He throws the green apple from his one hand to the other, grinning at his squadron who waved at him.

"Good morning, commander." Pava greets. Which followed a set of greeting from the others as they continue to eat.

"Morning." Poe grins. "Hey, anyone of you saw Ben?"

Snap hums, finishing his drink before answering. "I didn't know your ex eats with everyone else in the mess hall.

Poe raised his eyebrows at that, he knows Ben eats at the mess hall, alright. He just eats earlier than everyone else to avoid the stares not even covertly thrown at him. "He's not my ex." Poe simply said.

Karé chuckles, "Alright, then what is he to you?"

"He's my friend." Poe answers in a matter-of-fact tone. "A very good friend."

"And no," Poe shook his head to stop anyone from speaking. "He's different now."

Poe scans the mess hall, still looking for Ben and absent mindedly nodding at his friends' chorus of "If you say so, commander."

He doesn't forget. How could he? Having your mind cracked open and put under someone else's control like a slide under a microscope isn't exactly pleasant. Poe was almost definite someone else is in his mind with him days later, like his thoughts aren't his and anyone can steal them anytime. It only got better when General Organa taught him what to do and a certain moment when it feels like his mind is being molded back and he feels like himself again.

It's just that he chose to forgive and not dwell on the past. Because if he dwells in the past he knows he will continue to live on it. And he believes that everyone deserves forgiveness. All in good time.

And maybe he is not sure, but he has a feeling at the back of his mind that Ben is the one who helped him get back to his feet after that.

\--

He found Ben tinkering at the small workshop he had with what seems to be a protocol droid, his back turned to Poe.

Poe leans on the open door, his foot crossing the other. "Hey."

Ben raised his head, his shoulders going stiff. It was as though he is still contemplating whether to turn around and address Poe or pretend he didn't hear or altogether ignore his visitor.

Poe thought he's going to get ignored when Ben lowers his head. But he feels relief when Ben slowly turns on his seat to face him.

"Hello, Poe."

"Hi, Benny." Poe grins, he walks towards him, handing the apple out. "Here, for you. I didn't bring a whole basket because, you know." He chuckles.

Ben stares at him, like he's grown a second head, or a third one. Like he's only seeing him now. Poe smiles, he grabbed a chair and sat on it backwards, his arms leaning on the backrest.

He holds the apple, rolling it in his hand and offers it again to Ben. "Remember when you first visited Yavin? And we were introduced, you were holding a green apple and I grabbed it from you and ran away." Poe laughs at the memory. "I heard you crying and my mama calling out to me but I continued to climb up my tree-"

"The blue-green tree." Ben said, his eyes taking a far away look.

Poe feels delight envelop him when Ben's eyes light up even a bit. The idea of him remembering pushing Poe even more to help him, makes Poe determined to bring back what was once them together.

"Yeah, yeah, the blue-green tree. And then before I took a bite it flew out of my hand into yours and you're suddenly below my tree, looking up at me."

"I remember. It was the first time I truly used the Force." Ben looks down in his hands again, "I felt it flowing from your blue-green tree to me. It got mad at you, you know."

Poe chuckles, "Really?"

"Yes." Ben laughs a bit. "That's why it helped me. Says you shouldn't have done that."

"Well, here." Poe offers the green apple again to Ben, grinning. "Truce?"

Ben laughs a bit, bowing his head. He looked up at Poe again and grasp the apple. "Truce."

Poe feels a shiver run down his spine when their fingers touched. Not the cheesy kind of shiver but the shiver that runs down your spine because it's cold.

"So what are you working on?" He asked, a bit distracted.

"I don't exactly know," Ben said, standing up and placing the apple on a shelf with only one book. "It's a protocol droid. Sometimes I know how to work on it. Sometimes, I don't."

Poe tilts his head, resting his chin on his raised thumb. "You know there are some cases where someone wakes up and they suddenly know how to speak wookie."

Ben chuckles, and Poe puts one point on his mental scoreboard. "That's not true, Poe."

"Yeah, okay, it isn't." Poe acquiesced, laughing a bit. "But seriously, if you need anything you can ask me."

Ben stared at his hands again, still standing a few feet from Poe before turning to him. "Thank you, Poe."

Poe grins, "Anytime, Benny."

And maybe it's the way that Ben's eyes reflect the light of life even for a short while, but Poe is having an inkling that they can work this through. Together.

\--

That night, Ben dreams of that exact fateful day on Yavin IV. The trees blown away as the Millennium Falcon lands, his mom's colorful dress and his father's black jacket, the softness of his uncle Chewie's fur in his hands and the blue of his uncle Luke's eyes as he run up to him once the gangplank lowers.

He doesn't feel distant to it like most of his dreams, like most of his memories. He doesn't feel as though he was watching it. Instead, he feels like it's him. Like he is that boy in Luke Skywalker's arms beaming as dark hair frames his pale face.

He feels like Ben Solo.

"Hello, Ben." His uncle smiles at him, brushing his hair back. "There's someone I want you to meet."

"Who?" He asks, crease forming between his brows which his uncle smoothens with his thumb, chuckling. "Uncle Luke, you know I don't fancy meeting people."

His uncle laughs, walking them as his parents and uncle Chewie follows. "They are important people, they're our friends."

"I don't have a lot of friends." Ben mumbles, small hands grasping the apple he's been putting off to eat later. "Friends don't understand me."

"Well, this one will." His uncle ruffles his hair before putting him down. And he suddenly became aware of the other people around them.

His mom hugged the taller woman, her hair tied in a bun but few stray curls loose on the side of her face. Ben feels the warmth radiating off of her, and he thinks yes, she is a friend who would understand. Then his father greets another man, and Ben tunes them out as they started talking about him, saying how much he'd grown, his hair longer.

Truth is, he doesn't like anyone talking about him. No matter if he can see how proud his father is. He is not comfortable with himself. Most of the time he thinks how much he have to achieve to finally be worthy of talking about himself. Like his mom and dad, his uncles, like his whole family.

He is still so young and yet he already knows too much of what he needed to do to keep the family legacy.

"Ben," his uncle lays a careful hand on his back. "I'd like you to meet Poe Dameron."

Ben looks up to see a boy, a little older than him, taller with brown curls and a bright smile. He holds out his hand and Ben looks at it, unsure.

Then the boy grabbed his apple and run. Ben stares at him with wide, shocked eyes. He can hear the other boy's mother calling out to him but all he can think about is how much he doesn't like that boy.

He feels tears trickle down his face and he sobbed when his uncle Luke crouched down to his height, hugging him. His mom moves closer to them, running a hand up and down his back as she brush off apologies from the other woman. His uncle Chewie cursing in wookie as Han and the other man kept fussing.

Ben slowly pulls away from his uncle, wiping his nose with the back of his hand. He feels a tugging at his core and he looks up, a big blue-green tree sways at him and he follows it. His footsteps light as he follows the tree's whispers at him, and as he stands at the bottom of it he feels the Force surge through his arms and to his hand until his green apple is back again in his palms.

The other boy - _Poe_ stares at him with eyes a mixture of wonder and confusion. And Ben glares up at him before walking away, taking a bite of his apple as he asks his uncle Chewie to carry him on his shoulders.

\--

Ben suddenly finds himself liking the company.

He knows how Poe goes out of his way to see him, to talk to him. And he appreciates that, he really do.

He appreciates how Poe exerts effort on something so it will remind Ben of their childhood. Images of the Force-sensitive tree sent to him late at night. Casual reminders to eat and greetings of 'good morning'. Poe giving him a poetry book that he totally didn't finish reading in one night.

It all helps him remember himself, know himself better than he did last time.

And he is so thankful that Poe isn't pushing it. Not breaching the issue of 'them' from 'before'.

Ben doesn't think he is ready for that yet.

He isn't even sure if he would ever be ready for it.

Too much has happened. Too many broken promises, mostly on his part. Hardships that is still in the horizon. Problems tethered to the present, here, now, them.

Too many things are still bound to happen.

And he swore he will not bring anyone else down with him.

So sure, yes. He appreciates the gestures. Can't even manage to deny the other man's company. The war to do so or not still raging inside him. Too similar from before that it practically aches for him to think of it.

But the thing is, he doesn't like the extra attention.

Doesn't like the stares on them as they walk side by side, Poe talking animatedly with him. Doesn't like how he hears whispers of their names, full of curiosity. He knows for a fact that Poe doesn't deserve to get talked about behind his back -he's not that kind of person. And even though Ben tries to escape it, he can't. The occasional judging or accusing stares thrown at him puts him too much on edge and on the edge.

It's not just that. He's been teaching himself to shut the minds off of other people so he can't hear them through the Force. But the fact that their thoughts are so loud he doesn't even have to try makes it all really challenging for him. Makes it harder for him.

So when Poe has to lead his squadron for a mission that might take a few days, Ben can't help but heave a deep sigh of relief.

Maybe this way, he could think of a way to tell Poe that he will be alright. Even if he is not sure. He will think of a plan to crush the urge inside of him saying he should pursue Poe, that he needs him, that he will always be there for him, that he is his Light.

He doesn't deserve the Light. And he certainly doesn't deserve Poe Dameron.

Ben Solo knows that for a fact.

\--

Poe can't think of any way to approach Ben again.

After the mission, a simple supply run really, that shouldn't have taken that long if not for the underlying tone that they have to scout the Outer Rim first for any signs of the First Order - Poe didn't have to leave the base for that long.

That was the first time he didn't like running long mission. And these are certainly the first instances where he does the paperworks fast and his duties so he could like, maybe, you know, hang out with Ben, maybe? Like the General's son, Ben Solo.

Sure, Poe knows his comrades thinks he spends too much time with the General's son. But few of them knows their story. If anything, Poe knows him better than his family.

After all, he did know Ben wished to be a senator and not a jedi. To emulate his grandmother he used to talk to so highly about Poe can still almost feel the wind of Naboo on his skin as Ben tells him stories of his grandmother while lying on the grass of her home planet.

He remembers how the kid used to talk like a senator. How interested, invested he was to it.

Sometimes when they talk, Poe wonders where that boy had gone.

But right now, he feels like a teenager watching his crush on the hallway of the school everytime he looks at Ben working on something at his little workshop.

Poe watch as he gets better everyday. More and more confident at what he's doing. Quicker too at finding out what's the problem and fixing it. Like he is finally remembering more and more of himself.

He likes that, he does, very much like it so. He likes how Ben seems more comfortable on his own. How he -probably unconsciously, Poe thinks- sometimes uses his Solo charms when somebody comes up to him to ask about something.

But he still keeps to himself. And Poe have to watch him abruptly stop on his work to stare at his hands, or to stare at it when he doesn't have anything to do.

He still have lapses, Poe can tell. Sometimes he doesn't know how to work on something, sometimes he knows how to work on anything. And sometimes, Poe can still hear his muffled screaming when he turns in late at night. And Poe still hates how never knows how to help him on that.

So when BB-8 asked Poe if he could go to Ben for the replacement of one of his circular tool-bay disks - Poe is more than happy to accompany him.

"This only requires minimal reprogramming." Ben said, talking to BB-8. "Can't your master do it?"

"He asked for it." Poe explains as BB let out a series of binaries for his own explanation.

"Oh you want to try me?"

BB made a nodding motion with his head dome. Poe watch them at his post on the doorway, his arms crossed on his chest. "BB's right. You aren't that bad."

"Well I used to be." Ben mumbles before setting into work. Poe knows he wasn't meant to hear that, but he did nonetheless. And he realize that maybe a simple attempt at remembering may not be enough.

\--

Poe shivers when their hands brushed on one of the hallways of the Resistance base. Ben looked at him, shocked, before running off. Again. For the third time since Poe returned from the mission. And the pilot had to half-walk, half-run to follow him.

"Ben, wait!" Poe calls out and Ben stops mid-step on the open door of his quarters. "Let's talk."

"About what?"

"Anything." Poe gestures between them. "Everything."

Ben sighs, turning to lean on the wall. Poe watches as he closes his eyes, hands fisting and opening, his jaw clenched.

"You're making this harder for the both of us. Talk to me, please." Poe sighs in defeat. "I want to- I want to know you again. But I can't do that if you won't let me."

And Poe thinks why is he doing this? What exactly, is he chasing? What exactly, is he expecting to catch at the end of this conversation?

What does he even want to talk about?

"I'm sorry." Poe said, his voice timid. "I don't know what else to do. I feel like I don't know you anymore."

He can hear Ben exhaling after that, but Poe kept his gaze on the white floor between them. "I'm so stupid to think I can help. I'm so sor-"

"No." Ben firmly said, and that made Poe look up at him. "I am sorry. I'm sorry I don't know myself anymore."

"I've been-" Ben gulps, staring at his hands again. "I've been fighting for so long, I don't know what else to do."

"I tried to do the right thing." Ben continues, "But it's too late. I lost my father. Shed too much blood, -sometimes I can still hear the screams of agony of those in Hosnian System, the numbing fear of those I put before the end of my lightsaber, the gasping breaths of those lives I hold in my hand. It's all too vivid, all too real. And I- I lost you."

Poe slowly walks closer to him, holding his hand to both of his, willing the coldness to wane to warmth. But Ben pulled away from him and back to his quarters, the door hissing close after him. Away from Poe.

"I hate how your hands are still so cold." Poe says, the metal doors obstructing his way to Ben but he doesn't let it stop him. "They're warm before, like the summer sun hitting my skin on lazy days under the blue-green tree. You were so warm like a kriffing furnace when you lie next to me."

Poe raises his gaze, the white of the door staring blankly at him. "I just want you to be okay."

\--

Inside his quarters, Ben slid down to sit on the floor, his back still on the door. He hears Poe, his voice, he can hear his loud, jumbled thoughts.

"I hate how your hands are still so cold." Poe says, and Ben hugs his knees to his chest, burying his face on his thighs.

"They're warm before, like the summer sun hitting my skin on lazy days under the blue-green tree. You were so warm like a kriffing furnace when you lie next to me."

Ben bites his lip to stop the sobs threatening to escape. He remembers. Remembers lying down next to Poe, listening to him. He remembers reading Poe's books, learning what he learnt from school even if he doesn't understand it just as much as him. He remembers how Poe snuggles up to him because he is warm, and Poe feels cold even if he hogs the blanket when Ben stays over for a night or two.

He remembers that Ben Solo.

"I just want you to be okay." Poe said.

Ben tangles his fingers on his hair and tugs at it. He can feel Poe outside, waiting. He can't keep him waiting, not when he doesn't know how long it will take and Poe deserves something so much better. Someone so much better and if Poe just realize that he should go. Ben knows he should go. Because he is nothing but a broken shell of a man.

And Poe deserves someone more than he could ever hope to be.

\--

Poe ran mission after mission. Meetings after meetings. Fixing and doing uprades on his x-wing to his heart's content, if he's not satisfied -he goes back at it again the next day.

Three weeks, and he only saw Ben now.

He saw him and he immediately ran away again.

 _Away from me._ Poe thinks. And he couldn't even stop himself from thinking that Ben always run away from him.

One time he thought it would have been so much better if Ben runs away _with_ him. Now that's an idea he could indulge.

But it never happened. So instead of thinking too much, Poe does what he is best at: burying himself in a tangle of wires and engine of his ship, repainting the already smooth and perfect exterior of his _Black One_ every mission, do the paperwork, commander duties.

He does what he is best at: being Poe Dameron, best pilot in the galaxy.

And maybe he still want to see Ben. But only if Ben wants to see him.

\--

The following morning after his unexpected and unplanned moment of locking eyes with Poe saw Ben dressed in black robes, sitting crossed-legged with Rey beside him, eyes closed.

It's one of those days where he trains with Rey and Master Luke. One of those days that he initially refused to have.

He's not worth it, he knows. He is completely aware of the fact that training to be a jedi again is not for him. He lost that privilege long ago.

And everytime he remembers, he wants to lock himself up in his quarters, scream until his throat becomes sore and will the memories and pain away.

But still, his unc- _Master Luke_ asked. And Rey too. And Ben doesn't know what else pushed him but aside from the lack of better things to do, he figured Master Luke is right. They are starting over again, might as well make good use of what they currently have: the Force.

And it's a chance given to him to use the Force properly, for the good.

He is still hunting the belonging he wants, the belonging he needs. The Light proved futile long ago, the Dark slowly devouring him whole as the Light continue to fight and he wants it all to stop before his head, his whole being cracks.

And sometimes, he thinks he has gone too late to stop it. That as he look at himself on the mirror - thin, almost faded scar lining his face, dark eyes steeling to look at him, he is nothing but a broken shell of a man. Nothing more, nothing less.

He takes a deep breath and concentrates again, trying to remember how to do this. How to work on calming your mind. He is not exactly the best at meditation when he's thinking too much.

_Sunset, orange light hitting his skin. Like a blanket, like a flightsuit. Clouds parting as the birds fly. Calm ocean, its water gently lapping at the shore. And someone, pressed close to him, holding._

"You're getting better." Master Luke says, his eyes twinkling as he stare at Ben. "More calm, peaceful."

"Sometimes I feel quite the opposite." Ben said, truthfully. He stares at his hands again before continuing. "But not as bad as -"

"I understand." Master Luke nods. "Everything will get better. All in good time."

Ben nods, pushing his hair back with one hand. He stares at Rey sparring with Finn and how they both got better. He thinks of his mom and how she got better at understanding him. His uncle Chewie slowly getting better at being used to being alone most of his flights and errands. Of Master Luke getting better at well, at what he does.

And at the same time, he thinks of how he's the only one not getting better.

"Walk with me, my padawan." Master Luke said, walking off to the edge of the huge clearing they are training at on the far side of the Resistance base.

Ben follows him, his gaze resting on the ground he is walking at, hands clasped on his back as he carefully pick where to step his foot on the dry leaves covering the ground. He tries to calm his thoughts, afraid that it might betray him but his mind is racing to visualize multiple scenarios, multiple topics this conversation can go at but not even one of those came close to what his master said next.

"You're missing someone."

Ben looks at him, eyebrows raised. "I- Master Luke, I don't know what you're talking about."

"Please, Ben." Master Luke said, looking up at him. "Let's talk about this like an uncle and his nephew. Like how we should talk about this."

Ben swallows nervously, he can hear the _'like how we used to talk'_ at the end of that sentence, his nails digging at the palm of his hands on his back. He doesn't know how to reply to that. After all that has transpired between them, he couldn't think of any good reason to have the right to call this person beside him 'uncle'.

"Ben?"

"I-if you say so." Ben whispers, "Uncle."

He sees the smile on his uncle's face at the word. Feels the delight he feels through the Force. And it got him thinking that his uncle is right, things do get better. All in good time.

"Like I said, you're missing someone."

"I truly don't know what that means."

"I understand that it could be your father." His uncle said, looking at the trees around them. "I miss him too."

Ben goes stiff at the mention of his father. He knows his uncle means well at having this talk but still. Now, he doesn't know how to continue this conversation without feeling like he is going to explode with the emotions bombarding him.

"But I know that it's not him." Luke continues. "It's someone else."

Frowning, Ben shrugs. How could you miss someone when you don't even know how missing someone feels?

"How do you even know if you miss someone?" Ben asks, watching his uncle.

"It's like removing a ring. You feel like it's there-" Luke shakes his head, blue eyes locking with questioning brown ones. "but it's not."

\--

Ben locked himself in his quarters after that.

He paced back and forth by the foot of his bed. Back and forth and back and forth, why did Poe talked to him again? Back and forth, why did he seem okay with him? Back and forth, why can't he leave him on his own?

A small, sure and gentle voice tells him _'he cares about you.'_

Dropping himself on the unmade bed, Ben holds his head in his hand. He thinks of what his uncle said. Missing someone you once had...

He is right, Ben can feel it. It's like removing a ring, you feel like its there but it's not.

And they leave a mark too. Lines it used to occupy, space between your fingers where it used to be. A mark too clear not to see. A memory too good to forget.

He learns what it is like to be Ben Solo again around Poe. Remembers how easy it used to be around him. How they both feel like they can take on everything if they are together.

He taught him again how to be himself. Ben has been denying it himself, but the surge of Light every time he laughs with Poe? Every time he smiles at him? Every time Poe makes an effort to help him, whether it be under a ship holding a hydrospanner or together in the Resistance halls talking like old friends. It feels like the ring is back on his finger. This time shinier, glint of the sun on its band, how it fits snugly on your finger.

But its hard and painful all at once. A dark maze you keep navigating without the assurance of coming out. Trying to pick up where you left off without knowing if there is even anything to pick up.

 _I can't do this._ He thinks. Ben abruptly stood up, grabbing the book on his nighstand and purposefully walks towards the door. He needs an out, he needs to breathe. And if not, he doesn't want to contemplate what he might do.

It is always too dangerous to have his emotions out in the open.

The Dark may encourage it, but he is running away from that too.

The door hissed open and he came face to face with Poe, his hands raised to knock.

"Hey," Poe started, his voice shocked and so is his eyes.

Taking a deep breath, Ben closed his eyes. He opens them to look at Poe before saying, "Is there anything you need, commander?"

Poe blinks rapidly at the mention of his title, tilting his head to the side and sighing. "Nothing. Really, forget it." He gestures with his hand before walking away.

And Ben thinks, _what did I just do?_

\--

Poe slammed his eighteenth? Or was it twenty? Because he was sure he took a continuous ten earlier - shot on the table. Snap sitting beside him, drinking too but slower.

"It's like -" Poe shakes his head, another shot dangling on his fingers. "He doesn't really care. I'm the one, Snap-" he even points a finger to himself at that. "I'm the one doing what I can to bring it back, to help him."

Snap nods, carefully watching his friend because aside from the fact that he is too drunk to properly function -and the shot really strong, thanks to him- he hadn't seen Poe like this before.

He look, well, for the lack of better word, devastated.

"We were okay, and then he'd go around like he doesn't know me after the mission. You know that one, Snap?"

"Which one?"

"The long one we didn't expect to be so kriffing long, the supply run and scouting of the Outer Rim." When Snap hums in recognition, Poe continues. "Yeah, after that he kept running around avoiding me. And what am I gonna do? Of course I gotta ask him why."

"You would do that, yes." Snap said, pushing Poe right to his chair when he leans too much to the side. "What else happened?"

Poe downs the shot in his hand, hissing before putting it on the table. "That was fine. I could work with that. I love a challenge and I really still do -a lot-" Poe makes a vague gesture with his hand. "I still care. That's the torment of it."

After that, he had gone to the last phase of his drunk self. Keeping to himself, silent. His head low as he swirls another full shotglass in his hands. His lips pursing, opening then closing as if he wants to say something but chose not to.

Later, when Snap carefully guides them to Poe's quarters, he would mumble something about talking to Ben again and Snap tells him to do so in the morning.

Except when they rounded the corner to his quarters, Ben is sitting outside his door. His back on the wall as he hugs his knees to his chest.

"Snap?" Poe said, "Am I drunk?"

"Very drunk, Poe." Snap said, rearranging Poe's arm around his neck for a more comfortable position as he continue to walk them.

"Good," Poe nods beside him. "This is an hallucination, then."

Ben looks at him at that, his eyes softening. "I'm real."

"He's talking too. I have a wild imagination, Snap."

"He'll be better in the morning." Snap said to Ben as Poe opens his door. Staggering when he pulls away from Snap, Poe leans heavily on the cold metal of the doorway.

"Snap, buddy, thanks." Poe said, patting a hand on Snap's arms. "I had a great time."

"Will you two be alright?" Snap asked, looking at Poe then to Ben who is now standing up too, then to Poe again.

"Oh," Poe huffs. "I'll be fine."

Ben nods and Snap doesn't want to put his head where it doesn't belong. Meaning he doesn't want to get caught in the middle of a potential talk that will either do these two good or not. So he gave a last nod and a calculating stare to Ben before walking away -back to his own quarters where he still have to clean, great.

Poe rests his head on the doorframe, eyes closed. He feels Ben shifting in front of him, he feels oddly warm. Like-

Like what he used to feel.

"I'm- I'm sorry, Poe." Ben said, his voice quivering a bit. "For earlier- for all the times."

"How many times do both of us have to say 'sorry' before it actually and finally sinks in?" Poe drawls the words out, eyes fluttering open to stare at Ben.

"I don't know." Ben honestly answered, he's been asking that himself.

"Two questions, Ben." Poe said, tilting his head to look at him.

"One question, Poe."

"Fine, you go first."

"Are you drunk?" Ben asked, studying him.

"I try not to be." Poe said. "First question, do you trust me?"

Ben barely concealed his flinching at the question, his mind racing to reach the true answer, the one that came from his core, from his very being. He doesn't even remember anymore why he is here, why he is doing this.

He tugs at the hem of the black shirt he was wearing, Ben frowns at the floor. He doesn't know the answer, he doesn't even trust his own self so how could he- "I don't know."

Poe sighs, and Ben desperately wants to know what is going on in his mind. Wants to know what he is thinking right now, what he is feeling. What he needs to do so Poe will be okay, anything at all so he wouldn't stand clueless in front of this wonderful, despite being drunk, man.

But he can't do that. He can't betray Poe again. He can't hurt him again.

"Figured that much." Poe shrugs. "Last question-"

Ben nods, steeling himself and hoping he have a better answer for this one.

"Did you ever-" Poe sighed, looking anywhere but Ben. He pinched the bridge of his nose, run his hand through his hair and scratches at the curls on the back of his neck -the way Ben knows he does when he is nervous. "Did you-"

"You know what-" Poe said, clearing his throat. "I'm not gonna ask anymore. I've had enough for one day."

And Ben tries to stop him, opening his mouth but no words came out. He feels like a cut was made too deep in his heart, in his own being when Poe wouldn't even look at him. It was like his sun, the light, giving up on him.

He watch as Poe stride to his quarters, leaving the door open and Ben let himself wonder if its for him to go inside, to follow. But Poe returned moments later. Holding a small box in his hands, he stared at it and bites his lip in contemplation.

The silence between them is too deafening. And Ben remembers the day before- well, before he left- when he and Poe would argue a lot. Their meeting so rare but most of the times spent arguing. He remembers the first time he raised his voice at Poe, crushing him and what he currently believes in at the time.

_"The New Republic is nothing but a stagnant beast, Poe! I can't believe you let yourself be a slave for them and their nonsense attempt at restoring peace!"_

Then it was too silent, and Ben despised the way tears prick at Poe's eyes as he stare at him in sadness, anger, disappointment.

He couldn't believe he made Poe look at him that way.

But that was nothing compared to now.

Now Poe stares at him blankly, his expression guarded and measured. He gives the box to Ben, clenching his jaw.

"I'm not giving up on you." He said, "And I hope you're not giving up on me too."

And Ben wanted so bad to say _yes_. Yes, he would never give up on him. Never again. But the words will not come out. Stuck in his mind, caged in his mouth and tied to his tongue. It feels like that moment when you know how to swim, but suddenly finds yourself that you can't, and you're dying.

Except he thinks that would hurt less. Maybe a little less. But still lesser than this pain.

"This is my last straw and I'm giving it to you. It's up to you now, Ben." Poe said, then carefully walks the few steps between them. He puts the box in Ben's empty hand, hesitates before cupping his cheeks.

"I'm sorry it's too difficult for the both of us." Poe whispers and Ben thinks if he ever was drunk because this is all too serious. This is all too similar to a goodbye.

And when Poe leans up to press a soft kiss on his forehead, Ben hugs him before he pulls away. Holds him close like he wanted to all this time. And he thinks, maybe he can't say it through words but he can do it through his actions.

But Poe pulls away first, one hand still on his cheek as the other brushes his hair back and Ben miss this. Misses it so much. Ben feels like the ring is there, and it _is_ there. But it feels like it's pulling away.

Poe gave him a small smile. "Only when we're both ready."

He pulls away completely and Ben took a step back, Poe nods and clicked the door shut. And Ben was finally left in the cold, empty hallway. The soft hum of machinery, of the whole base too loud as he started walking back to his own quarters, all the time staring at the small box in his hands.

Once inside his quarters, he looks at it again. He can't remember it, not even by a sliver. This is one thing Ben Solo can't remember about Poe Dameron.

It's a wooden box, small and light. A magnetic clasp keeping the lid locked and Ben traces it with his thumb, nails digging at the tiny details.

He tries to think of a reason not to open it, but he can't think of any. He needs Poe, and Poe said this is his last straw, his last shot.

And Ben doesn't know what to do with that.

So he opened it, his eyes widening in recognition at its contents. He shuts his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath before opening them again.

He runs his fingers on the leather cord of the necklace, the crystal tied to it still clear and almost sparkling at the dim light of the room.

_"Poe! Look!" young Ben Solo exclaimed._

_"What is that?" Poe asked, voice filled with wonder._

_"It's a kyber crystal. Uncle Luke said it's used to construct lightsabers."_

_"That's awesome, Ben! Are you going to use it to make one?"_

_"I'm giving it to you." Ben grins at the still taller boy. "You can keep it."_

_"I can't." Poe answered, hesitant and shaking his head in refusal. "It's yours."_

_"Keep it for me."_

Ben shakes his head, sighing. He put the box on his side as he unfolds the paper -the only other thing aside from the crystal inside the box.

The paper is that of a drawing of two boys with too much coloring materials at their disposal. Ben smiles at it, fighting the tears back.

_"That's wrong." Poe said, finger pointing at the thing Ben just wrote._

_"I'm sure I spelled it correctly, Poe. I've read too many books not to spell it correctly."_

_"I'm not saying you spelled it wrong." Poe said with all the indignation of a boy about to turn eight in a couple of weeks. "It's missing something. Here,"_

_He scratched at the word pilot and wrote "best pilot in the galaxy" he grins at Ben then adds "greatest" before the word 'jedi'._

_"There, all good!"_

Ben folds the paper again and put it in the box. He turns all the lights off in his quarters before burying himself in his bed. The box still resting on it beside his feet.

He can't have all the nice things in the galaxy. Not after all of the things he did. But he wishes for just one thing, desperately.

He just want to have Poe again, with a promise that he would do good and better this time.

That's not too much to ask is it?

\--

 

**Author's Note:**

> This has a happy ending, I swear. This just happened and the happy ending got lost.


End file.
